Backseat Lifer

Blissful ignorance

Brimming with the slow acting poison of comfort
The horn of plenty is fitted with a spigot
And I gleefully take my crumbs in silence
Oh giver take thy place among the stars
I succumb willingly
Raise the flag of ferocity
Misunderstanding only fuels me
I will sing the battle hymns
For the war I'm unwilling to raise my sword in

The Maddening

 What were once winged words

Floating through the breeze like
Rampaging pinions
Shot down in turns
By angels

Can a truth remain itself
In the face of the all
Or will it to be twisted and gnarled
Neath the oaken barricade
One never could say

On this pathway all we hold dear
Could swell and pop into the ether
Leaving one holding the bag
Empty and wishing for a compass
That lies not within

A beacon is a beacon
But where does it shine
And what will one find
At the edge of it's light
But more questions

A loop, a wheel
A stunning carousel
Trampling at a frenetic pace
As we wish to bare all
But remain silent

Burn After Reading

 

In the book of great or lesser odds it is written
Do no thing by half measures
Full throttle to eleven or no
When you commit to a thing let there be no grey area between you and your goal
There is only the journey you are on and the destination which you seek
The between is merely mundane stage dressing meant to muddle and confuse
But keep your wits about you, minion.
Else you find yourself wallowing in the bog of malcontents that also find themselves stranded here, some long enough to find the muck comfortable and it's foul taste to be ambrosia

For who are we but repetition and dance, perhaps to different tunes, of different tribes and names, all is limiting, nothing is forever.  From whence do we gather our strength to continue when all hope is lost, when we find ourselves wondering why we made how we got when did we where did we go wrong?  What is wrong but a mindset in which you let it color darkly that which taught you well?  The things that stick to the inside of your soul like a favorite treat you always come back to snack on.  What is left in the end when you face certain oblivion?  What pieces do we carry from one place to the next?  Why are they so heavy and why do we continue to carry them?  The bits that echo when all else is silent.  The tinges and twitches that make us tick tock so we can outrun the clock and go supernova on that ass.  All of this I will not answer for we can only find it within ourselves the things that cannot be written, these forbidden places the bravest of stars dare not tread. The hushed incoherent whispers between the words between the end and beginning, that ride the 4th 5th and greatest expansive dimensions that we cannot realize we realize even in our final formulations which can never be finalized, not in our greatest of fantasies or knife edged super ego walkabout.  This is the Tao, this is the way, up down in out turn around until you're inside out and now you're just a pretzel doing math.  Shoot straight, conserve ammo and never, ever make a deal with a dragon, or a cantaloupe.  Your will is the only currency you have.  Nothing is your right, not on paper not in law, there is only the will.  You who can't even manage to keep the same tense throughout an entire narrative, who the fuck are you even talking to?  No one will listen, as they cannot set aside themselves and neither can you.  You are one mistake away from true beauty, one push from ultimate futility.  Be sisyphus.  Be the Boulder be the one pushing it, slap a sticker on that bitch and be as delighted by all of this shit as you can muster.  Ad Astra In Nomine Absurdum.

The Only Warning

 

Do you think me undeserving?
View me through an unkind lense...
Pass judgment upon me in a hushed tone behind closed oaken doors.

Question my strength and ability
To forge forward through the twisting passageways only I can navigate?
That is your wont.
Fuel me. 
As feebly as your flame burns ,
I will consume you as well.
Not even in an active rage, only as a natural consequence.

Within//Without

 If only I could

I would
Burn all the death from your head and soul
Go to war against the darkness that plays Hel
Against your very being

If only a mutual understanding
Could be more of a salve
I would apply it gently until you felt you could fly again.

But I know all too well what you're up against
This knowledge, does it bear you well or drag you down?

I ask if I am a help or a hindrance and fail
To discover an answer.

Perhaps, until it is too late
I always hope that it isn't, but I know what it is
To teeter on the edge of the abyss
Only hoping for escape
For solace
For solitude and a peace that never seems to stick...

Does bearing my darkness to you
Help you feel less alone in it or...
Does my reminder of the availability of light make you sick from my presence?

I hate to know not, and yet...I know nothing but what is inside of me.

I feel, I'll always come up short in aiding, revealing or guiding, for my path is crooked, wayward and not thine.

Would I lead you to agreeing to destruction or has something asked you to stay that gives you enough drive to continue?

I am selfish, and I want you to stay, but also understand what I ask, is expensive.  

Active Listening

Realization clutching threads

A twist a twist and it all knots up
Throw it away or go through the tedious process of untying it all.
What will it gain, what is the worth
Why are we here, I ask in that mindset
Which echoes so loudly within my head
But when it comes out it feels hollow...
There is a cosmic event
And I can choose to ignore it
Or allow the shift within
Without is not important in this regard
There is no banner to fly to say
I've fixed it, I'm better now.
Not one that won't be ignored,
Or someone else will want to
Emblazon it to say they've been there too.
The real warriors carry their own flags
And nod at yours with respect
But do not touch.
Perhaps they offer a sage word.
There is an art to aiding in healing the broken.

It starts with listening
And ends with feeling heard.

Tripping Over a Sound in the Dark

Walk between, fall in
Where has the time gone?
Separate roads mingle in confusing ways
Stay the course they say,
But there's no map
Only a vague suggestion
At two am on a long forgotten highway.

Walk this way
Towards the sun and the moon
Compass a long lost relic
Am I beating you over the head
With my analogy yet?
Not a question of where perhaps,
But when and why it all went wrong.
I've got a knife that has an easy answer
Traced in a sigil of blood
Sell it for a song

Never one for eloquence, entropy
The great disruptor
All the choices intermingled
Until you can't make any of them
You're static again and again
Until flipping through the channels
Is a reflex saved for the last bastion
White flag of surrender
In a for of war
Undiscovered
Undetermined
Unconvinced
Of the place, the piece of a puzzle unformed

How do you win without losing it all?
The constant war raged in every aeon
Stagnant smoke and choking
And I'm back where I began.

Chaos Manifest

Can you not see that I know how fucked up I am, do not all my actions show me protecting the innocent from the chaos that's in my general makeup? I'll push everyone away if I have to, especially the ones that no longer reach for me when they find me in a darkened corner, begging for a short reprieve.  Those that make me feel I no longer deserve their love, but still expect it from me will find it much harder to squeeze blood from an empty shell. They will never realize that they aren't the only ones hurting, it's apparent they have numbed themselves against my suffering. I have attempted many times to balance my nature with my mundanity, but it leads to nothing but pain and misunderstanding. I am chaos reborn, I will revel in it and I will live the way the currents take me.

Laughing Gods Pt. 2

Crawl into my soul and find safe harbor

My beautiful beast

Dance with me through fire

Embrace what you are and fret no more

We are here together

Hand in hand we'll endure

At each others backs

Through darkness and the mundane

Traveling through shadows bleak

Finding triumph from our struggle

Howling at the moon

Righting what has wronged us

We will reign o'er the abyss.

Laughing Gods Pt. 1

Feral beast and scaly sinew full of teeth

Meet halfway and greet with a growl

Circling, circling, circling…

Both sit in silence, stoically calculating.

One is full of thorns,

The other frost-cursed.

They mirror each other's scars

Their thoughts meet in the middle

They intertwine.

The scaled one soothes the curse

And the feral pulls the thorns from the other's hide…

One by one.

Thread the Needle

Scatter to the four winds and let it fade

The web shakes and shatters

Restructure it through careful weaving

This is not the same.

New patterns that form

Must be considered

Dragon-worker…

Light the balefires..

Signal in the blackness

Pull down the stars and spin them

Hundred points of light

Formed by a steady hand.

Motes

(WIP)

Address the lack of balanced humours
As they war for dominance
Transmogrification unavailable
Without the proper elements

Creating gold from...
Creating anything...
This is not a simple recipe

I'm a horrible alchemist
With an oroborous attached
Seraph save me from this plane
Laws of attraction playing games

It's still failing
Continue along the path
A little further to the left...

Quest Turn In (Where the fuck is the npc?)

Navigating this plane of existence
With a broken compass that only points west
The way forward blocked by fog of war.

Ascend past struggle, ascend past the lack
The lack of compassion, of real raw eye to eye.
Every day loss of motivation, every step a step back...

How can we forge ahead?
Figureheads locked in a daily battle
Wandering without aim, trying to find home.

Can we have a shred of proof
That our methods aren't madness?
When does it end for a life to begin?

Inner Monologue Part One

This is the part where you fuck it all up.

Hey you, voice, you get out of here right now, I will not! I...think it may be the right thing this time!

Yeah, but you're not enough. Especially not enough for that.

I can do it, I have enough heart left...if not more than I had before..I know what I want
now.  I...I have enough to give...someone will want me the way I want them and...

Yeah and then you wake up from that dream. -echoing laughter-

I am enough. If I am not, then it is not me, it is them.  I will not tolerate this pain overtaking my happiness, now go!

I'll be back.

Too little, too late

The self righteous spout
With vile tongues
Fountains of blood
In which they will drown
Pleading, mercy
Executioner

Notice Me Senpai

Don't you know I just wanna
Be the Pepper Potts to your Tony Stark?
Speak in hushed tones in the dark
About what makes us tick
Until the clock strikes and reminds me
That glass slippers are impractical.

So it Goes.

They're telling someone else goodnight.


You're still alone.

Path

Curse this spark, blinding light
curse my lack of appetite
fuzzy pacing in my head
suddenly glad that I'm not dead so I can....


and the fear returns....curse it all...can I even...what about the doubt, and the deep festering gashes on everything I thought was truth...I can't be ready but I can't stop thinking of you....I feel like if I would have touched you....that would be it....the one you meet that really makes you think so hard that you don't know what you're thinking about at all.

I am scared, bone deep but hopefully....they think about me too....I should stop here.

Mockingbird.

That feel when you know something is about to royally fuck up.  You have no when or why of the situation.  Suddenly, songs that you hate for their messages begin to make a lot more sense,and you find yourself looking behind you, just waiting.  It catches up and whispers to you.  You'll never be enough.  They'll tell you that you are just to drop you, they want your confidence to shatter, they want to watch you bleed out. Who really wants what's best for you,  and who really knows?  It's all such a transparent sham sometimes....most of the time.  How can we look ourselves in the eye?  Where are the good things and love that we were promised as a child.  All we are.....incessant tugs to do the right thing, the wrong thing....or worse...nothing.  Everything about my life still mocks me..

Ouch.

Drowning in heat....
No sleep...

I guess I'm okay.

Demons are using my brain as a playground

Anxiety pulling out all my skeletons...
Leaving no stone unturned.

Bone deep pain

I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine....

I'll be fine....

Maybe tomorrow?